I had to just put it all down. in front of me. so i can see it again when i feel bad later.
As of this past few weeks...
you are not helpless.
you are not helpless.
i am not helpless.
i am not helpless.
when the flood comes you better be prepared.
and when the drought runs you dry, you better be ready.
the worst maybe isnt comin...
but you better set up supplies.
get that cantene full of water,
put aside the canned food,
leave a guitar there too.
better prepare that ignorant mind.
the worst may not be here...
and it may not come at all...
get those thoughts ready.
keep the plans for what to do somewhere.
start building up your tolerance for pain.
it seems
it seems
it SEEMS
somebody is laying out the red carpet
its as if
its as if
ITS AS IF
a million photographers are shooting your picture
but get ready
just do it
because that carpet could look luxurious
or perfect for those feet you got
and the people takin pictures could really worship you...
or really LOVE you.....
Suddenly
though it could be the carpet that leads into the belly of the whale.
it could be taking its first inhale
the carpet may roll you up along with it.
all the nice picture takin people....
all you "fans"
turn out to be sucking out the very soul you hold.
forcing your cards to fold....
sealing the deal on you...
sending you out to be mocked
and fondled by strangers.
takin every last bit left of ya.
and maybe thats not the truth.
it is probably not.
but im tired.
and it seems
it SEEMS
that way.
and it looks as if thats really whats goin on.
but maybe its jsut the good ol' paranoia
doin the crazy job for ya.
makin it all appear
to be shady faded and discomfortin.
its prolly just that paranoia.
comin in quick to destroy me
comin in slick to dissarm me.
against the world
and whats going on.
and i'm breaking down
i'm losing the good fight....
and its not against anyone but myself.
and it feels pretty silly
to be doin that.
SEEMS real silly to be fightin my own mind.
seems real weird to try to draw inside a line.
or watch a bat fly.
dur dur dur.
dur dur dur
if we are all in our own heads at night
then we are all alone at the end of the day
no matter whos in that bed.
no matter what drugs are stored in the safety shed.
that you put there to be prepared for the worst
now your just dead as a doornail in that hurse




i gots to keep one foot in front of the other.
GOTSSSSSSS TOOOOO.
fuck you grammar.
fuck you spelling.
i cant fight anything else but you anymore.
so fuck you.

i have been feeling weird.
And indecisive.
and reluctant.
and disassembled.
um.
radio?
radio?
static?
on the radio station?
its what i hear.
and its what i s.
ee.
tickle the toes and behind the knee.
touch the lips to whats in between.
and that space!
and that gap!
that bars us down
and barges in.
and makes time hard to remember.
and leaves for no fun come december.
OH FUCK.
its just another new year.
OH FUCK.
its just another voice i hear.
OH FUCK.
Its just that you duck when i snear.
can you believe that whore.
can you believe we closed the door.
on us.
on ourselves.
on eachother???????
can the eyes that lie
lay?
can the eyes that prey
pray?
that follow us,
and swallow us,
whole and completely
can those eyes sleep?
can't those I's be as steep?
in their shit.
in the hallow pit.
in they're tired, prying fit..
can they quit!!!!!
and do i cease to exist
on the days i didn't miss you
on the days i didn't kiss you
on the days i totally dismissed you
as anything
or anyone
or something other than what you were.
can i sleep?
do i feel steep?
I CAN'T STOP
I WON'T STOP
because the beat is what makes sense.
the beating of my heart
the beating of your body against mine.
and i hit the wall.
and i do not fall.
because your were there to catch me.
and i cant keep you.
amd i cant love you.
because you will be the first to go
when the hale turns into sheets of snow.
to bounce out
take an ounce out.
take my GUT out.
and there will be me
and the polar bears...
listening to me.....
and the sound of it all.
and then that time
yea that one time
you would have let me
FALL.



and if it happens it would have and will be all my own damn fault.

I will not be defeated.
I will not be deflated.
you will not get me this time.
this is real isnt it.
you will not get me.
you already dont get me.
i'm going crazy.
like a lit up jack o lantern.
and the anger from the pain
is like a fire burning my soul.
i'm in the flood.
i'm in the flood and i have no boat.
no floatation device.
i have nothing.
my words are crumbling as they leave my mouth.
missing your ears.
i dont care.
i dont need you.
i dont care.
i dont need you.
i dont care.
i dont need you.
i guess i am what you say.
i guess i am what you say.
i guess i am what you say.


youre awesome. thats great.

this might be stupid. but i dont care. the only song i can listen to today is my girl by nirvana. i just want to scream. and scream...and SCREAM. its the only thing that makes since. and i've listened to it 20 times already in the past 2 hours.

the ghosts.
the jokes.
the hosts.
the boasts.
the stupid fucking thankful toasts.
a bunch of lies.
a series of cries.
and that wall.
and that table.
and that cloth.
and you in your stupid get-up.
act pretty.
act smart.
shave shave shave.
culturally acceptible.
emotionally neglectful.
the facades.
the parades.
the fancies.
the descrepancies.
the way we all feel so antsy.
a bundle of bullshit.
several types of full blown fits.
and those glasses.
and those plates.
and that face.
and you in your stupid drunkeness.
act funny.
act busy.
behave behave behave.
socially acceptible
litterally rejectible.
remember remember remember.
thank thank thank.
THROWING SHIT ALL OVER.

THE WHOLE.
WHAT THE FUCK.
THE WHOLE PLACE.
THE WHOLE ATMOSPHERE.
THE WHOLE MENTALITY.
WHAT THE FUCK.
its mayhem.
its mayhem.
NOTHING.
NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.
THE WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING NOTHING.
left here.
delaying here.
dying here.
THE WHOLE.
WHAT THE FUCK.
THE WHOLE PLACE.
THE WHOLE LIFESTYLE.
THE WHOLE APPEARANCE.
WHAT THE FUCK.
its like a vortex.
its like a vortex.
a deep black hole.
is what this WHOLE place is.
sinking here.
wallowing here.
choking here.
BUT NOTHING.
NOTHING.
NO NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.
THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLACE FILLED WITH NOTHING.
crying here.
lying here.
denying here.
WHAT THE FUCK.
THE WHOLE.
THE WHOLE COUNTY.
THE WHOLE CITY.
THE WHOLE GROUP.
what the fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK.
what the fuck.








i haven't said that word that much in a long time.
its really depressing that i just did.

KEEP YOUR ELECTRIC EYE ON ME BABE

its that rumbly
or its you all stumbly
its me that is fumbling
around near
schemin
the world
and scheeeeee miiiii eeeeennnnnneeeeee
down that mountain
slippery trickery slope
lookin through the kaleidoscope
seeing what i perceive
receiving what i'm believing
makin it more real
reeeeeellllllllin moreeeee in
im reallllyyyy reeaaalllll while reeeelllliiinnnn you in
i dont want to boast
but the line is thin
and i;m the host
of diseases!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my lungs do kung fu weasssiiinnn
weasle you
oh you weasle
painting all up on my easle
making it a big old deal
that is the art youre trying to paint!
those are the ghosts that you explainneed????
what!
whattttt!
i can see clearly now
the rain is here.
my eyes feel clear.
ohhhhhhh clappin
you got it?
snappin?
am i not rapping
wrapping up my lies
or stories i mean
keep it quick keep it clean
love me?
cause you think youre above me!
ha!
socialist anarchist....i'm a sadist?
or is it masichist.
grinding into your dirty fist
sweet sweaty bliss
chris?
jon?
andy?
riley?
ohhhhhhhh who?
travis?
greg?
mikey?
emilio?
transvestito?
machine or mediatto?
mocha chocalato!

thats not it?
well than what is?
i cant really
i cant i wont really
i mean really be
i cant really be able
i wont REALLY BE ABLE TO
tell you
about the truth
or the right thing
or the answer.
i dont have it for you.
i dont.
just me right now.
and you have yours
and you have it to yourself'
and i cant give you that
because
because it is well,
yours.
to find.
to have.
to relate.
and i dont.
i mean i wont.
and i cannot.
REALLY help you
anymore than i
can i
will i
help MYSELF.
sitting pretty on a bucket of empty wealth
WEALTH?
you call that rich?
you call that important.
NOTHING
really NOTHING
is real or serious.

such a holy place to be.

yea!

the webs i am tangled in
are strong but thin
different sizez
small suprizes
the it is all i get
the it is all i get
it is more than you now
it is more than i need
but i have it
yes i have it
so own that this is it
this is it.
SHIT!
do i have a purpose
and am i not just another can in the surplus
what can i do
am i not just another brown shoe?
can i be a participating member
will i be able to remember
december
november
remember remember
will i be okay?
and am i not just passing time through another day?
am i on my toes?
do i make friends with my foes?
what is this!
who is that!
where am i!
why is it me!
why am i it!
how do i find a way to be happy
how do i find a way to move on
how do i find a way to be safe
how do i find my way HOME!?
home is not where my heart is
you heart is where my home is.
but i cant say.
and i cant stay.
dont leave me laying here this way.
conspiracy
and can you hear me
theory
do you fear me
i am not alone.
and you are not on the phone.
i am not stupid.
and i didn't ask to get hit by cupid.
i am not final.
and you are in denial.
of your feelings
of my feelings.
of real life.
and real dealings.
i promise i promise i promise
i'm OKAY.
I'M FUCKING FINE.
its great.
its all great.
its all here.
and its allllllllllllllll happening.
concern is a judgement.
worry is a concern.
discern you must you must discern.
LEARN LEARN LEARN.
baby in an urn
take your turn.
churn it churn it churn.

you don't pay attention.
you don't pay attention to me.
i won't place any blame.
i won't place any blame on you.
you refuse to care.
you refuse to care about us.
i cant let go.
i cant let go of it.

its fucking ridiculous.
me being so inconspicuous.
am i pulling the wool over anyone eyes.
do i go unnoticed when i tell these lies.
am i awake?
are you awake?
how do i escape this.
blinded me with a deceitful fist.
are you alive?
am i alive?
drowning in a pool of gel.
capturing me in your lake of hell.

pathetic pathetic pathetic.
past and future don't create a realistic present.
i am not a time traveler.
nostalgic nostalgic nostalgic.
right here is where i be residing.
this is a time lapse.
DONT COLLAPSE.
DONT RELAPSE.
THIS is A time LAPSE.
DONT RELAX.
DON'T PAY THAT TAX.
TOLL TOLL TOLL.
i have no goal.
you have a hole.
its not love its an empty bowl.
cup in halves.
bowls half empty.
but you say its half full.
i dont agree.
but i dont know the truth.
PERSPECTIVE PERSPECTIVE.
keep it straight keep it straight.
the pressure surrounds me.
people continue to pound me.
losing controll all around me.
there is no sound left in me.
I LOST MY VOICE.
I MADE THE CHOICE.
I ONLY SILENTLY REJOICE.

live in fear.
is that the voice you hear.
live in pain.
is that the tune to which you sing the refrain.
live in animosity.
so that is the theory you go by.

what controls me.
who controls me.
i always feel like the police patrol near me.

i'm a pile of tangled loose ends.
life is constantly the bends.
blowing myself out of the water.
the girl everyone desires to slaughter.
these are the rules we play by.
this is the choice make it or die.
equations extracted from different situations.
manifesting themselves by recreations.
the exact thing that happend years ago.
is all i see, is all i know.
i am doing this to myself.
i am ruining my mental and physical health.
destroying anything that has value.
i say we're friends, do i even know you?
i'm not in a rut,
i just know that i'm a fucking mutt.
a dirty dog with rabies.
a bunch of stranded babies.

I really enjoy my life.
most of the time i feel pretty good.
i think i have a lot to say and to offer.
i have a great place, i have great friends, i go to school, i have lots of fun things to do.
most of the time i feel pretty content.
i feel relaxed.
I graduated high school. i am now almost 3 years in the making of being out....and i'm glad.
i dont go to parties where there are high schoolers, i dont like to hang out with a lot of people younger than me. and i dont like to participate in elitest, immature behaviors. i dont like it. and i dont like to feel like i have to partake in any situation where that kind of shit is brought up.
i dont like parties in berkeley so i dont go.
i dont like hanging out in fancy areas so i dont usually.
i dont like to feel like i am competing so i dont compete anymore.
i dont like spending a lot of time with negative unmotivated people and so i dont.
i dont make set plans or extravagant promises because i know that i dont follow through.
i dont like being left out and so i hang out with people who dont do that.
i am not in high school or middle school or elementary school.
but sometimes i meet people my age or even older that still are. and it makes me sad. and it makes me feel weird.
most of those people are the type a personalities...
i am happy for the majority of the time.
i dont believe in contests.
i dont believe in contests.
i dont believe what you say.
i dont believe what you say.
i dont believe in eliticism.
i dont believe in eliticism.
I ESPECIALLY DONT BELIEVE IN PEOPLE LIKE YOU.



i'm not better.
i'm not much different.




projection.
rejection.
infectious.
neglect us.



i could only last so long.
i could only be so wrong.

mm.
mmmmmmmmmm.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
i dont know where i'll end up but i know where i'm going.
i dont know whats going to happen but i know where it will begin.
i dont know if i'm going to be okay but i know that so far its so good.
i haven't written.
i haven't even really talked about myself a lot.
i have just been opening myself to new theories and new friends and new ideas and new projects.
i need to complete these projects.
bike.
guitar.
piano.
i need to excersize.
i need to sleep at home more often.
i need to write more.
i need to talk to someone and bounce my ideas off them.
its an interesting thought of me creating my own reality without anyone giving me feedback. without harsh outside commentary....its pretty weird having full control over your choices, your behavior, your life.
its all me. at this point its all up to me.
20 years old out to conquer the fears that i thought i would never work through.
i'm here and i'm trying to do something.
its strange how much i can get in my own way without any help from anyone else. nobody is blocking me off but me.
i've got to prioritize.
first self.
then school.
third job.
fourth music.
then friends.
keep my eyes on the goal.
i'm not sure about what the goal is.i just know that those four are parting of achieving my goal. which i'm pretty sure has to do with personal success in a non materialistic way of course...and happiness.
that is it.
these are the roads i'm trudging to achieve these goals.
its so key that i write because i have to look at situations at hand when they're written down in order to understand better.
i will understand myself.
i already know a lot.
but not enough.
times to come.
i miss being able to cuddle with boys in a non sexual way.
i just miss being held.
i love being held.
i need more guy friends up here so that they can hold me.
human touch can be so controversial.
i just want it to be simple.
human touch can cure, or ruin.
i want to be safe and i always feel safe and then i feel lost when its over.
i need a personal cuddler team. so i can just select the people who make me feel most comfortable and safe and take them with me everywhere.
i like a smart, decent, talented, passionate scorpio with ausbergers and a recent exit of a 5 year relationship.
AND ISN'T IT IRONIC. DON'T YOU THINK?
hes conquered it mostly.
he has no idea....he has no idea about me and my feelings.
or he does and just pretends not to.
i like the first one better.
gives me more hope than the second.
and who cares about the reality of that untill the tables turn against me and i freak him out or something.
i dont touch him often.
sometimes i massage his hands.
i feel like we talk with our eyes sometimes.
i stayed up all night talking to him and it was amazing...and i listened most of the time. i usually cant listen to anyone for more than 20 minutes without having to engage in conversation....we had a campout in the living room....i wish it was in his bed.
i think he is great.
i need to feel about myself the way i feel about him.
in the sense that i feel so positively about him as a person and love the things he probably hates about himself. i love them because they are such huge obstacles that i watch him try to work through everyday. and he isnt perfect but his skills and mind are so fascinating that it makes the imperfections just look like a diamond in the rough.
i want to feel like that about myself.
i want to feel that i'm so great that my major walls are just cherry on top of the icing.
but i guess people with walls like we both have we'll never see anything about ourselves in the direct positive light from which they were intended to be observed through.
so i can portray my self-worth in an appropriate manner to others.
i try to stand tall so others cant tip me over or even try. i want to have those who see me perceive me as a interesting and fun. i want to have lots to say. i want to know lots....i want to understand everything....most of the time i just laugh at the air and ramble about nothing.
my room is great.
i love my loft.
i love my books.
i love my piano.
i love my mom.
i love my bryan.
i wish kaitlyn was here.
but i seem to be surviving well regardless of anyone in orange county's abscence.
i have to accept that people misunderstand, people are misled, people arent always capable of unconditional undeniable love, people dont stay forever and often neither do i. i just wish i understood all of our hurry and why we all hurry away instead of hurrying to eachother.
i was raised on lies and betrayal.
i will not live on that.
i will not survive on that.
all though often i find that i am.
often i find that is the exact problem at hand that i cannot conquer at times. all too often that is exactly the manner in which i live and as a result torcher myself and others.
which would explain the hurry.
i know understand all of our hurry.
but in time it has slowed down. i dont steal money or a lot of energy from others. i try not to ask for too much or push too hard. i try to be careful about projecting my emotions incorrectly, but thus i am not perfect.
i'm not wholesome.
i'm not completely in line yet.
i'm a at such a distance that i cant see land on the long ocean of change. change in depth...change in life form...change in patterns and weather.
its alllllllllllllllllllllll under constant construction. i just need to accustom myself in flowing along. i feel though that i'm like a big strong boat as opposed to the flailing sail boat i used to be. and i survive storms more so than ever. and i dont have to cry as much or want to give up as often.
its all a progression.
i'm not high.
right now.
and i feel fine.

i dont miss you everyday
usually i put you away
keep your memory hidden
little glimpses are all i'm gettin
i dont need you too often
just when my strength softens
but now youre never there
most of the time i dont care
we all have things we keep to ourselves
we all have heartache with a space in our shelves
reminders of the past
we all have had things that stayed but didn't last.
i dont think of you a lot
especially not when i smoke pot
its common for you to just seem faded
still my heart continues to be jaded
i dont even really worry
i have been in such a hurry
and i don't make room for you
or your memories to come flooding through...
me my mind my heart my soul.

this is about me.
this is not up to you.
don't mistake...
i said do do don't mistake
your opinion for my truth
don't confuse...
no do do don't confuse
your expectations for my reality
i am a walking disease
this is about me.
this is not about you.
just try...
please just try ey ey
not to judge so much
just stop...
won't you just STOP
trying to control things out of your hands
i am a passing breeze.
this about me
and no one else.
changes are changes.
nothing is good.
nothing is bad.
this is it this is it.
i am whatever i do.
i do whatever i need to.
i come and go and come and go.
at my will.
at my pace.
not always with the flow.

marijuana maintenance.
i like being calm.
i like thinking about broad ideas and subjects.
i'm pretty sure that most of the humans that reside from the area of southern california have failed me miserably and i dont want to go back and take any tests....i'm pretty sure at the same time that i have failed most of the humans in southern california and they have no need to test me any further either.
i'm not a failure.
i'm not a failure.
i'm not a failure.
i am strong.
i have been strong.
and i will continue to be.
nobody should feel the need to explain what decisions they've made. personal freedom. personal choices. developing in my independent reality and then focusing on whats shared between me and others.

i know my astrology.
what things make me wobly.
i know what fucks me up
what it takes to fill my cup.
things that haunt me
things flaunt themselves in front of me.
music is a wonder
i'm taken by your thunder.
i just want to sleep in your bed
know what happens in your head.
tell me whats behind that door
lay down on the floor.
i know i know
i know what brings me joy
not what it is about that boy.
i see i see
i see a mystery over there
whats underneath that hair.

another feeling i'm not prepared for. another thing to move towards and pull back from.

i can stop these programs.
playing out scenarios in my head.
the way i was raised
feels like i have lost it these days
they run tapes like a broken record
but i won't lose sight of my goals
i will be free of my chains
that have weighed me down
i will keep persisting
i will stand on even ground.
programs tried to break me
people tried to shake me
opinions will not crack me
suspiscions will not pack me
IN